One reason I thought I’d write this post today is because of this girl’s picture I just saw on Facebook. I had sex with her last year. And yep, in cultural terms I cheated on my girlfriend who I’ve been going out with for over four years. And no! I have no regrets! Why? Because not only was it great sex, it was a different kind of sex. One that had a weird but very, and let me emphasize on the word “very” familiar strong emotional bond to it. She thought I slept with her because I just wanted to get laid. Obviously because she thought we would never have a future together, and yes she is jolly well damn right about that! (about the future together part that is).

She was the first girl I ever fell in love with, the first girl I ever kissed six and a half years ago when I was still a teenager. And she is nine years older than I am. I mean, it’s not that a couple can’t make it happen just because they’ve got a nine year age gap but there are so many reasons why she is damn right.

We hardly have many things in common except for stage theatre and maybe sometimes the kind of music we listen to. I HATE the way she thinks and looks at life. I hate the way she repeatedly gets into situations where she is in a big fucked up mess. I hate her vulnerability to the wrong kind of guys who she thinks are the right kind just to be disappointed in the end. I hate the kind of attitude she has about herself. I hate her recklessness (which is ok provided you don’t make a life story out of being reckless).

I mean it’s like a part of that song by Three Days Grace, “I hate everything about you, why do I love you”!

We don’t live in a fairy land where happily ever after happens. I know that she and I are far from being compatible in anyway, I mean we would probably argue over something stupid like two Politian’s would, but there is something beautiful and magical between us that I can’t explain, and due to some reason, could be awkwardness or mixed emotions, none of us were able to be open about things since of late and it left us to-date in a place that is very hazy and still fucking awkward.

I loved the girl I met six and a half years ago, and I still do. She has not changed. But I know I have. I’ve got far more mature than I used to be, but I still have that strong feeling for her which I am not quite sure if she has anymore, but I do know she once had it as strong as I did.

I can’t explain in words what this bond is about and how it happened. It’s not like I would say ‘Hi honey how are you today?” or “hey sweetheart you look soo beautiful” or “love you! Good night”!! It’s different!! But I would let her into my heart and have a conversation with her like two grown adults and even emotionally guide her through if she lets me.

This connection… how did it even happen? I don’t know! It’s like how Savage Garden sang in one of their songs, “Maybe its intuition, something’s you just don’t question”.

I know she thinks I’m sick, but I still want to know why she had sex with me, what she felt about it, and why she regrets it, because I know she does even though she never told me.

I don’t regret it. in fact I would do it all over again, over and over again because it was beautiful. It was was not sex, it was a different kind of making love. Why? Because as evanescence once taught us both, that we BRING each other TO LIFE!

Not for unnecessarily harassing innocent civilians at check points…

Not for all the bribes they took…

Not for helping our government cover up the disgusting dark truth by restricting media freedom…

Not for the innocent civilians including the children they killed…

Not for raping countless women who have no homes to run to…

But I salute the fact that they left their families behind for our freedom…

I salute the fact that they put their lives at risk…

I salute the fact that they sat on mud to relish their simple meals while we sat at our tables eating our choice dish…

I salute the fact that they were at their jobs 24 hours a day while we went home at six…

I salute the fact that they marched seven days a week while we took a vacation on Poya days and long weekends…

I salute the fact that they stood on the roads for hours to check if we carried any bombs when we were on our way to parties…

I salute the fact that they were beside their colleagues as they died in their arms while we took a thrill out of watching the same thing in action movies…

I salute the fact that they were a part of something that I could never imagine being a part of…

Indeed… every victory has its dark side… but a victory is a victory…

Here’s to peace and prosperity!

The time APPROACHES where I shall HUFF AND PUFF AND BLOW THE WORLD AWAY!

Martina McBride – Anyway

You can spend your whole life building something from nothing
One storm can come and blow it all away
Build it anyway
You can chase a dream that seems so out of reach and you know it might not ever come your way
Dream it anyway

Chorus:
God is great, but sometimes life ain?t good
And when I pray it doesn?t always turn out like I think it should
But I do it anyway, I do it anyway

This world?s gone crazy and it?s hard to believe that tomorrow will be better than today
Believe it anyway
You can love someone with all your heart, for all the right reasons, and in a moment they can choose to walk away
Love ?em anyway

Repeat Chorus

You can pour your soul out singing a song you believe in that tomorrow they?ll forget you ever sang
Sing it anyway, sing it anyway

I sing, I dream, I love, anyway

If she had walked a few steps more to come talk to me, I would have spoken to her back, I would have been happy, and we would have got past certain things. And I believe that is what she wanted to accomplish. But she didn’t because uncertainty of how I will react stopped her. Just like it has stopped many of us.

Many times we have tried to go speak to our loved ones to express our true feelings, but stopped because we don’t know how he or she would react? Many times we have tried to speak to our bosses for clarification to get some work right but have not because we are uncertain of what that individual’s reaction would be. Many times we have held our opinions at meetings and brainstorming sessions because we don’t know how people will react to our ideas, and then we find someone else say the same thing you’ve been thinking about. Many times in our life we have stopped ourselves from accomplishment.

So here is what I’m trying to tell myself. “How am I going to know HOW you would react unless I find out??”

If you have read my previous posts you already know that I work for an ad agency. But here’s something knew, I happen to handle a Brand of Sanitary Napkins, and I’ve been going through the topic of “periods” lately. It has left me several blood clots in my brain, and also made me realize how lucky I am to be a man and not go through such moments of difficulty every month.

One morning, very recently, a colleague of mine sat at my desk and started complaining about things in general. I remembered something which was told to me by my client, “If women are suddenly grumpy for no reason, they are probably having their periods”. Keeping this in mind I sang a song to her (my colleague) about periods.

The following is my tweaked version of Edwin McCain’s – These are the moments. Sung to the same tune of course.

Lying here with you

Listening to what you’re saying

Makes me feel that you’ve

Got periods today

And these are the moments

I thank god that I’m a man

And these are the moments

When I don’t have to wear a pad

I’ve got a thing I’m thankful for…

And I could not as for more…..

Looking in your eyes

I can see that you’re in pain

I can see you’re wondering when

Your nightmare will end

And these are the moments

You know his condom didn’t break

And these are the moments

I’m still able to have pleasant sex

I’ve got a think I’m thankful for

And I could not ask for more

I could not ask for more than this thing I possess

sorry I don’t mean to sound like I’ve got PMS

But see I don’t have to pop pills regularly

Cause thank god I don’t get menstrual pains

And I don’t have to feel grumpy

I don’t have to put on a bitchy face

Coz I’m a man, and I’ve got a thing….

Oweee oweee

Yeah

Owe owe

And these are the moments

I thank god that I’m a man

And these are the moments

When I don’t have to wear a pad

I’ve got a thing I’m thankful for…

And I could not as for more…..

Yeah I could not ask for more….

Someone very close me gave me a portrait she hand painted and I took it to office so that I can hang it up near my desk, but I just didn’t have the time because I was stuck at meetings the entire day, and mind you, today was a sucky day! Annoyingly warm and damp and argghhhh MONDAY! After the second meeting I was irritated and so not in a mood to work anymore and I didn’t know what the reason was. I badly needed to do something apart from work.

I suddenly remembered that one of the employees that used to occupy my seat left a box of cheap crayons. So I got hold of it and started scribbling on a blank piece of A4. Approximately ten minutes later I stopped. Then, after looking at what I had drawn, I was trying to figure out why I drew what I drew. I showed it to a few colleagues of mine and asked them their interpretations on what I had drawn. Instead of interpretations, I was bogged down with questions.

“Are those two dogs?”

“Is that a deer?”

“What the hell is that?”

Lol! What do you think?

Here’s what I think… It just shows what a fucked up mind I have!

I said… “come, sit with me and watch the sunset”. And she replied saying “Sunset??? What?? Have you gone cuckoo???!!”.

Indeed, to her eyes I was just outside in the office garden at approximately 7.30 pm, sitting on the grassy step starring at the wall behind the trees. I said “Of course not, I’m watching the sunset”. “You’ve lost it!” was her reply. But then I went on to explain that if you convince your mind that you are in a particular situation, you are jolly well there. It’s all to do with how you psychologically get yourself there. If I convince myself that I am at the beach, if I let myself imagine feeling things I want to, like sitting on yellow sand and feeling a cold breeze, it may not be as good as being there… but I am somewhat there!

For example how many times have you been in a room, or in a vehicle or simply walking alongside a street, and a lot of things pass you by but you don’t really notice them because you are in deep thought? At that moment you are picturing what you are thinking heavily about, and what’s actually in front of you is in your subconscious. How many times have you laughed by yourself, or starred at people so hard that they felt uncomfortable, when you are actually laughing or thinking about something that happened sometime back or something you wish could happen? I suppose the term is day dreaming, but whatever it may be we have the power to let our mind take us anywhere. So whenever you feel like being somewhere you want to be, just put yourself in that place and live in that moment.

So she sat with me, and watched the sun set…

Don’t get me wrong, my attraction was only towards her eyes and nothing else. She was indeed gifted with a pair of fine art. When I see something I like, I admire it. And when I admire something about someone I make it a point to let them know.

Months passed by and I got to know her a little more as a co worker. One day a colleague of mine and I had to discuss some work with her and in front of everybody I complimented her eyes. I said “Don’t get me wrong, but you’ve got the most beautiful eyes I have ever seen”. She blushed away and people around us started agreeing with the statement I made.

And I, all deceived by her eyes was under the impression that her personality would be as nice, but sadly I was wrong. She went around boasting to people saying that people in the agency are soooo into her eyes. Few days later her theory extended to “soooo into her”. Talk about having a massive ego! I didn’t know about it until one day I was eating at the same table with a bunch of other colleagues once again at the canteen and I deliberately made an attempt to make her blush a little (I like to bug people). In front of everybody, she made a comment in such a mean manner that disgusted me. She said “My eyes are for my boyfriend only!” implying that I had a major thing for her. “FUCK YOU!” two words that ran through my mind, but for the sake of maintaining a good rapport with a co worker, I kept my mouth shut and pretended that I took it in good humour. I ask you, the extend people can go to flatter themselves.

Her eyes were beautiful indeed, but blind!

I got a full black suit made for my mom’s second marriage, and of course.. in my mind I felt that it was important that I dress well and look my best, because after all.. I am the bride’s son! So I made use of the little time I had during many of my busy working days as to what kind of shirt would stand out the best. And that’s a lot of time wasted on a shirt. And then… EUREKA! It struck me.. RED! Imagine… a full black suite.. with a BRIGHT RED SHIRT and a plain black tie! sexy! I may not have the greatest fashion sense but hey.. at least it released me from a heavy burden known as “deep thought”. So I was convinced and determined to buy a red shirt.

Fortunately for me, the next day was a holiday so I began my hunt. I first headed over to Beverly Street. They didn’t have a red shirt. Nor did they have anything close to it! So I went over to Fashion bug which was just close by.. and hey! what do I find? NOTHING!

Some of us Human Beings are such that once we make up our mind about something.. we want just that! So me being one of them, I didn’t want to settle for anything less, so I continued my hunt…

I went to all the places within the vicinity including Gee Bees, House of Fashion, Nolimit, Hameedias, Thinagra, Y fashion, Romafour and all kinds of places. You name It I’ve probably been there (Except for Odel – I don’t like shopping there for clothes) in search of this shirt that started becoming a myth.

One thing I realized is the fact that all these so called Colombo fashion spots have the same brands and shirts on sale, and this country hardly offers QUALITY fashion wear and a measly RED SHIRT! It’s depressing and disappointing to not have such a simple coloured shirt on sale.

But you know, Red in the most negative aspect, is the colour of anger, violence and brutality and, interestingly, this is exactly how I feel!