Bring me to life
It’s been just over a year since I last wrote on my Blog. This is my 3rd blog, and I stopped writing for the same stupid reason over and over again. Certain people I am close to knew about my blog, and that I am the writer and I couldn’t write about them. Many things have happened in the last one year, and often had I thought of creating a new wordpress account but I just didn’t give a fuck enough to get myself to do it. But today, I’ve decided I’m not going to give a fuck about the people who know about this blog. I’m just going to write exactly what I want, the way I want!
One reason I thought I’d write this post today is because of this girl’s picture I just saw on Facebook. I had sex with her last year. And yep, in cultural terms I cheated on my girlfriend who I’ve been going out with for over four years. And no! I have no regrets! Why? Because not only was it great sex, it was a different kind of sex. One that had a weird but very, and let me emphasize on the word “very” familiar strong emotional bond to it. She thought I slept with her because I just wanted to get laid. Obviously because she thought we would never have a future together, and yes she is jolly well damn right about that! (about the future together part that is).
She was the first girl I ever fell in love with, the first girl I ever kissed six and a half years ago when I was still a teenager. And she is nine years older than I am. I mean, it’s not that a couple can’t make it happen just because they’ve got a nine year age gap but there are so many reasons why she is damn right.
We hardly have many things in common except for stage theatre and maybe sometimes the kind of music we listen to. I HATE the way she thinks and looks at life. I hate the way she repeatedly gets into situations where she is in a big fucked up mess. I hate her vulnerability to the wrong kind of guys who she thinks are the right kind just to be disappointed in the end. I hate the kind of attitude she has about herself. I hate her recklessness (which is ok provided you don’t make a life story out of being reckless).
I mean it’s like a part of that song by Three Days Grace, “I hate everything about you, why do I love you”!
We don’t live in a fairy land where happily ever after happens. I know that she and I are far from being compatible in anyway, I mean we would probably argue over something stupid like two Politian’s would, but there is something beautiful and magical between us that I can’t explain, and due to some reason, could be awkwardness or mixed emotions, none of us were able to be open about things since of late and it left us to-date in a place that is very hazy and still fucking awkward.
I loved the girl I met six and a half years ago, and I still do. She has not changed. But I know I have. I’ve got far more mature than I used to be, but I still have that strong feeling for her which I am not quite sure if she has anymore, but I do know she once had it as strong as I did.
I can’t explain in words what this bond is about and how it happened. It’s not like I would say ‘Hi honey how are you today?” or “hey sweetheart you look soo beautiful” or “love you! Good night”!! It’s different!! But I would let her into my heart and have a conversation with her like two grown adults and even emotionally guide her through if she lets me.
This connection… how did it even happen? I don’t know! It’s like how Savage Garden sang in one of their songs, “Maybe its intuition, something’s you just don’t question”.
I know she thinks I’m sick, but I still want to know why she had sex with me, what she felt about it, and why she regrets it, because I know she does even though she never told me.
I don’t regret it. in fact I would do it all over again, over and over again because it was beautiful. It was was not sex, it was a different kind of making love. Why? Because as evanescence once taught us both, that we BRING each other TO LIFE!
